Voice: Clarkson’s Farm high jinks and 'elaborate fraud'

OVER the last few months I have touched on the subject of my ongoing dispute with a neighbour, and his behaviour towards me. I fully understand neighbourly disputes are nothing new and often involve quite petty things with handbags at dawn. Over this time I have somewhat downplayed what has really gone on, despite its severity. Apart from being shot at, I’ve also been warned to keep quiet by none other than a senior Queen’s Counsel (or should I now say King’s Counsel?) with the veiled threat that if I don’t I may be targeted by the police.

Let me elaborate. The real reason I’m being intimidated is that I am aware of a huge and elaborate fraud I suspect is being perpetrated by some in high office representing a large government-backed charity. Substantial amounts of money are being diverted through the charity in the guise of tree-planting, fencing and drainage schemes etc, towards individual accounts for personal use. It is my view the sums involved here are not thousands but millions of pounds.

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Please don’t think I’m being melodramatic when I claim my livelihood is at risk. CCTV cameras have been installed adjacent to the entrance of my business. When I reported the shooting incident to the police, no investigation was carried out. However, when a lorry with round logs delivered a load without retaining straps (the lorry had been parked in a layby a few hundred yards up the road and the driver had removed them while he took a break), a full-scale police investigation was undertaken. On this basis it looks to me as though the warning from the King’s Counsel is very real and I have no doubt an attempt is being made to have me shut down, the mill closed and me run out of town.

Provided I’m still here next month (and the editor allows) I will endeavour to disclose how millions of pounds of a charity’s money, meant for the health and wellbeing of the nation’s citizens, has and probably still is being siphoned off for personal greed.

On a much more cheery note, I’m pleased to disclose that my never-ending struggle to find a reliable wagon driver over the last few years may finally have been resolved. The new driver is reliable, has a good attitude, keeps the truck clean and presentable and sorts out minor problems like lights and mirrors. Better still, if he’s not required on the road he will happily help in the mill, which all told has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. I had been doing the bulk of the driving and deliveries, which meant, as well as running the mill, I was working crazy hours. Financially, it didn’t really benefit the business as my time is best spent working and maintaining the mill.

Having relinquished my driver’s duties I’ve had the time to reset the mill controls, with the result being the mill has never run better. We’ve also had nice, clean drawn logs coming through the gates and working the mill has become a pleasure again with even the weather playing ball and the lighter nights firmly on the horizon.

Apart from the old Lister I have two other engines which need attention, including a Massey 65 which was on a log splitter and has now become my wife’s tractor. On Clarkson’s Farm, Lisa has a shiny renovated Massey 65, whereas my wife’s is in need of a major overhaul. 

The oil pressure in the engine is low and it’s leaking at the seals, but I’m wary of getting someone else to do it. To fix the engine is pretty straightforward, but one has to very careful as about 50 per cent of all such rebuilds fail due to people rushing the job and missing vital details.

For instance, an old engine may have been overheated at some point and have developed cracks or distortions which may not be noticed at first glance. If you’re ever at a tractor rally and see all the shiny, freshly painted tractors lined up in a row, check which ones have a tell-tale dribble of oil running down the block. The oil in this case will be coming from a poorly mated surface or a hairline crack which only opens as the engine heats up. So taking time to check every component is essential if you want that 60-year-old tractor to last another 60 years, which in today’s ‘throwaway’ society is quite a remarkable prospect if you think about it.

On the subject of Clarkson’s Farm, I must admit I had a quiet chuckle after watching him have his farm inspection when his roller shutter door wouldn’t roll or shut. After my trouble with my roller shutter door I have concluded there must be an epidemic of imported dodgy doors across the farms of the UK.

I like to think of myself as a practical person who is good at resolving problems when they arise. A sawmill is a dynamic environment with hundreds of moving parts which is always testing my problem-solving skills to the max. Just recently I have read and heard a lot about the use of artificial intelligence. Mechanisation and automation will only work if the two are 100-per-cent compatible and reliable, yet in my experience I believe the opposite is happening. I can see the benefit of automation in reducing labour costs and increasing productivity, but what happens when things go wrong or the machines involved are not up to the rigours of the job? I really believe we are headed for catastrophe along these lines which is why I’ve tried to set the mill up to work in a practical manner.

Over the winter, most of the big mills built up huge stockpiles as a result of a fall in demand from the building trade. Fortunately, we’ve been able to keep production flowing by diversifying away from sleepers and fencing towards all sorts of other products like agricultural purlins and cedar cladding, to name but a few.

Being able to tailor production to changes in the economy certainly helps in a downturn, even if the workforce can’t work out what I’m up to. Lately I cut some oddball sizes for a farmer which resulted in a spin-off of three separate orders needed for the construction of big agricultural buildings. Sometimes making that little bit of effort and putting yourself out there can result in a whole host of new opportunities and contacts. 

I also like the challenge of what some might consider oddball jobs, provided they maintain the level of production.

For instance, I once did a job which required the delivery of 40-foot logs which were needed for the construction of a bridge. The catch was, however, that I had to deliver them in a 12-foot wagon. Uncertain that the local police would appreciate my resourcefulness, I set off at some ungodly hour one Sunday morning which, if memory serves me well, was around 5 am.

As you can imagine, these 40-foot logs provided a massive overhang on the little truck and I crept along the country lanes taking care to avoid the major roads. Everything went well until I reached a ‘T’ junction. It was tight, but that wasn’t the problem. As I was about to pull forward, a group of cyclists pedalled right up behind me and on either side of the projecting logs. As I pulled out and began to turn the corner, the cyclists had to pedal furiously as the arc of the logs swept around the corner threatening to knock them off. It was very early in the morning and fortunately no one was injured, but I suspect the shock certainly woke them up!

Hopefully, all being well, I’ll still be here next week, although I may have to employ a private security firm for my own protection. After all, I now have dependants to consider.